Did you know that human brains are wired to adopt binary thinking for survival? We see things as black and white, right or wrong, so we can quickly assess threats and opportunities. Like the big wooly mammoth coming at you. Or Mr. Lumberg heading over to ask about your TPS Report.
In reality, we often deal with shades of gray – and those shades differ depending on your own life experiences. Accepting that two seemingly contradictory beliefs are true is known as dialectical thinking – and this vital skill helps you navigate change, balance priorities, and creatively adapt.
Either/Or leadership will not serve you well as a 21st-century leader. Not when complex challenges require diverse voices to collaborate and innovate together. To quickly build those trusted relationships, we need to embrace BOTH/AND leadership.
Leadership that balances BOTH the demands of the organization AND the needs of your people.
Empathetic leadership CAN co-exist with high performance, accountability, profitability, and even having your own clear boundaries. Stud after study shows this.
But how?
This balancing act is what I call The Empathy Dilemma.
For example, empathy can co-exist with high performance, accountability, profitability, and clear boundaries.
Sounds good, right? So why is it so hard to maintain that balance?
See, it gets challenging in the modern fast-paced, stressful workplace because of generational misunderstandings, diverse voices, and those who weaponize empathy to get their way.
Plus, the fact that most people don’t really understand what empathy means and how it can show up in a professional setting like the workplace just add to the confusion.
So our brains, which love binary thinking and simple answers, can’t just go on autopilot. Showing up for different people based on their different needs requires effort: how we listen, how we communicate, how we offer support, how we emotionally regulate ourselves. Empathy doesn’t allow us to react impulsively or operate on auto-pilot. So, some leaders simply fall back on what they know: command and control.
I get it—letting go of the status quo is scary! But being aware of why you fall back on bad habits is the first step to growth and change.
Let’s be clear. Empathy does not have to mean crying on the floor with your employees. Empathy at work means being able to see, understand, and where appropriate, feel another person’s perspective. And further, use that information to act with compassion. To take the next right step together.
Next step? Let’s debunk common empathy myths that might be holding you back from better collaboration and connection with your team:
Empathy is not about being nice. Nice is sweet, and thoughtful, and lovely. But it doesn’t mean you see someone else’s point of view.
Empathy is not caving into unreasonable demands. That’s people pleasing or submission, not empathy. You can make tough business decisions but do so with respect and compassion in HOW you implement and communicate.
One of my most empathetic leaders actually had to lay off our entire team before a merger. But how he did it made a difference. He gently but clearly broke the news, gave us space to process, prepared in advance for our questions, and provided his time, resources and support to make this easier on us. He’s still a close mentor to this day!
Empathy is not a weakness. It requires great strength to take on someone else’s point of view without defensiveness or fear. You can be confidently empathetic and You can be confidently empathetic, make hard decisions, and hold people accountable.
All at the same time. Both/And.
Finally, empathy does not mean you have to agree. Empathy is about connection, not conversion or coercion. You can have an empathetic conversation, and better understand someone’s context, but still leave with your values intact. You and the CFO may not agree on a strategic plan but you can get curious, actively listen, and acknowledge her perspective. And she can do the same for you. Maybe then you find out he doesn’t support your plan because he has elder parents he cares for and this will require more of his time, or that he implemented a similar plan at his last company and it failed. Or she may reveal a truth you hadn’t considered. You can then learn why the other person sees things the way they do. Get curious, actively listen, and acknowledge why someone thinks the way they do so you can find common ground and move the decision forward.
Think about how you show up as a leader and ask yourself: Am I choosing my behaviors based on either/or thinking, or can I embrace BOTH/AND thinking to show up in th best way to achieve my goals and support my team?
Photo Credit: Alice Yamamura, Unsplash
