Tag: empathy

Cash flow, creativity, and compassion are not mutually exclusive™

What Causes Quiet Quitting?

Posted on by Red Slice

Your employees don’t have a commitment problem. You have a leadership and culture problem. 

Quiet quitting, in case you haven’t heard, means doing exactly what you’re required to do at your job and not a bit more. It’s really just a trending term for disengagement. Folks don’t outright quit but they fail to do more than the bare minimum, and they may or may not be quietly looking for a new gig on the side. And we even see a trend in schools with students who are burned out or overwhelmed.

Some senior leaders (read: Baby Boomers, or even Gen Xers that are my age, I admit) want to blame this on the same old thing they blame everything on: Today’s generation of workers are entitled, lazy, and want the world before they are willing to get any work done.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

When I worked in the corporate world before striking out on my own, I always used to tell my managers that the minute they needed to start worrying about me, was the minute I stopped being squeaky wheel, asking how we could do things differently, or playing devil’s advocate. And it was true. Ask anyone: I worked my a** off and delivered results, but I could be….well,” tenacious” might be a kinder word for it!

I remember the jobs and bosses that completely disempowered me. That never appreciated my contribution, or that robbed me of control over my career destiny. In those jobs, I started shutting up and looking elsewhere.

When employees are engaged and feel they are seen, heard, and valued – when they know their extra efforts have an impact – there is nothing they won’t do for you. 

Here’s the great news: Quiet quitting is not new – it’s just a trending hashtag now. (TWEET THIS!)

And it has never, ever been about the employee’s work ethic or talent. It’s always been about the environment they found themselves in and the people they work for and with. A smart person knows they should not give us their time, energy, or effort in a paid job unless they are receiving something in return. To call quiet quitting “laziness” or entitlement is just laziness and entitlement on the part of a MANAGER who wants to shift the blame.

Lead with empathy, actively listen, reward equitably, honor your people as human beings and proactively create an environment where employees can make a real impact and you will not have to worry about anyone quiet quitting on you. Full stop.

Photo credit: Charles Deluvio

More resources you may love:

Let’s Redefine Kind in Business

3 Leadership and Innovation Lessons from 100 Podcasts

Rebecca Friese on The Empathy Edge Podcast: How to Build a “Good” Culture

Cash flow, creativity, and compassion are not mutually exclusive™

 Let’s Talk About A Better Workplace Culture

Posted on by Red Slice

Seth Godin’s daily posts range from the inspirational to the tactical. The mundane to the philosophical. So when a post punches me in the gut, in the best possible way, it gets me thinking. Which is his goal: Stop existing. Start thinking. Disrupt the status quo.

Recently, he wrote a post called But First, We Need to Talk About. The gist is that what we are willing to talk about gets attention, resources, and energy.  So when we’re unwilling to talk about end-of-life health care costs or oppressive capitalist systems, we can’t change things. Instead, we pour countless hours of conversation into things like political infighting, Tik Tok crazes, or why Kim Kardashian ever dated Pete Davidson (those last 2 are way far out of my wheelhouse)

The realization hit me: This is why I’m talking about empathy at work and creating better leaders, cultures, and brands. I want us to pay attention, yes, but to actually make a change. Transform.

It started out with helping my clients craft an empathetic and engaging brand story, rooted in purpose. And yes, advising them on where they need to walk that talk in their culture, leadership, processes, or habits.  But it’s become a bigger movement to me. One in which we rethink our existing models and narratives of leadership and organizational success.

For too long, we’ve adopted false and binary narratives that you have to choose between humanity and profits. That compassionate leaders cannot also be competitive. That ambition can’t co-exist with empathy and collaboration. That we need to be one person at work and another when we’re off the clock.

Who the hell made these rules? Oh, right, we did. Humans. Our capitalist and industrialized society.

And we blindly bought into this status quo.

Here’s the great news: We as humans have the power to CHANGE those rules. They are not laws of physics that cannot be broken. We made them. We can make new ones.. (TWEET THIS!)

But first, we gotta talk about it. 

We have to talk about what is not working, where we are not being inclusive, and how our business practices might be harming our people or the environment.  We need to admit that profit had been held up above all other concerns for too long.  And that we can have both/and rather than either/or. 

Then we need to talk about how we get there. How we re-establish new rules together. How we create a better workplace culture. How we make the entire for-business system better.

Are you ready to talk to your leaders, teams, and customers about the future of work and the empathy revolution? I’d love to help. Let’s chat about a transformative and provocative talk to kick this into action for your organization tomorrow! 

Cash flow, creativity, and compassion are not mutually exclusive™

Five Lessons from 100 Podcast interviews

Posted on by Maria Ross

Last week, I hit 100 episodes on The Empathy Edge podcast.. 100 episodes! In that time, I’ve had the chance to speak with best-selling authors, CEO’s, marketing leaders, psychologists, social and emotional learning experts, culture consultants, and DEI champions.

The podcast started in August 2020 as a way to keep my empathy research going. Spending three years writing The Empathy Edge, I immersed myself in the data, stories, and interviews. And then once the book was out, promotion began. And the research stopped.

Suddenly, I didn’t see that latest report. The data I was using was outdated. Oh, and a global pandemic changed the way we work and how we interact with each other.

As the topic of empathy became more mainstream and evolved, a podcast seemed like a great excuse to keep interviewing experts – the best part of working on a new book! And you know me – I love to talk about empathy.

A podcast is as much fun and as much work as I thought it’d be. But it’s the best kind. And it has taught me many valuable lessons about connection, conversation, and change. (TWEET THIS!)

Five Lessons From 100 Podcast Interviews

And, if you’re thinking of starting your own podcast,  how this experience can transform you.

Never Go It Alone

When I set out, I knew I didn’t want to tackle this alone. What mic do I buy? How do I even list a podcast on Apple? Who will do my production and editing (because that makes me want to poke my eyes out). A friend connected me to a friend, Erica Mills Barnhart, who had her own podcast and she told me about her production team, Turnkey Podcast. I went to them and said, “Please help me make this happen.”They immediately put me in a Launch Your Podcast course. I got everything done that needed done and now this dream team edits and produces my podcast every week, just for you. 

Learn How to Listen – and Ask on Behalf of Others

Having been on many podcasts before, I knew how to do my spiel. But hosting is another ballgame. You have to learn how to listen. And respond. It’s a lot like acting, really. Curiosity was not too hard for me, as I’m fascinated by my guests and their experiences.  But I also have to ask the right questions to move the conversation along. I don’t like too many podcasts because it annoys me when the hosts ramble on and on about themselves, or don’t get the guest to answer the question asked – or the question I have as a listener. I have learned to think even more about my audience and what they would want to know. What do they need? My job is to get that info out of my guest for them. 

A Podcast is A Great Way to Meet Amazing People

Forget the awkward LinkedIn connection request: My podcast enables me to reach out to anyone and everyone I find interesting and have a chat! If you are naturally curious like me, this is a wonderful way to build authentic connections. Some of my guests have even become clients, or have hired me as an empathy keynote speaker or empathy workshop leader at internal and customer events.. But that’s not why I talk to them. I invite them on because they have something to teach us all. And stories humanize us. The more stories I can help tell, the more I can create more empathy in the world.This is why I’m committed to inviting women, BIPOC, LGBTQIA+ and other underrepresented leaders and experts to my microphone.

Organic Conversation is Authentic Conversation

We have talking points, sure. And prepared questions. But I invite my guests to feel like we are having a casual chat. It’s not just rote Q&A. It’s interaction. We add to each other. We interrupt each other.. We go off on a tangent if that’s the conversation’s next logical step.  We embrace ad hoc joy for scripted humor. The best compliment I get is when people say they feel like they are sitting with us over coffee! When you do a podcast, yes, prepare, but keep room for organic flow for a much richer experience for both of you – and your listeners.

There are So Many People Working to Make the World a Better Place

I think the most valuable lesson I have learned from 100 interviews is that there is hope. If we seek out the changemakers who are doing hard things, we find that there are thousands, millions of ways people are making a difference. Whether they are a CEO of a social enterprise helping Ethiopian women escape human trafficking, a coach helping women find their own voice, a doctor helping children become more emotionally resilient, a DEI expert  helping parents crack open tough conversations about race, a workplace crusader trying to help build cultures where people can thrive at work,  a marketing leader using his company’s brand to stand up to racial injustice, or a community buidling expert sharing how to make online communities more authentic and connective for mutual benefit…..all of my 100 guests have shown me that you can work toward empathy in ways big and small.

Which one is my favourite? That’s like asking me to pick a favourite kid! But I invite you to take a listen and DM me on IG to let me know which one is YOUR favourite!

Cash flow, creativity, and compassion are not mutually exclusive™

What Does Empathy Look Like at Work?

Posted on by Maria Ross

We all agree more empathy is a great idea, yes? Companies have grand plans to create inclusive cultures and we as leaders take empathy workshops to strengthen that muscle and boost innovation, collaboration and engagement.

But what does empathy look like at work? Like, in action at work? And how can we avoid slipping into unproductive sympathy when we make those attempts?

When expressing sympathy, for example, you might say something like: “I’m very sorry for what you’re going through.” Empathy, however, sounds more like: “I understand how you’re feeling; please know that you’re not alone.”

Here are three examples of what empathy looks like at work and how it differs from falling into the sympathy trap:

Sympathy Play: “Oh, I feel bad for my colleague in her wheelchair! That’s just awful, poor thing. 

You think you’re being nice, you think you’re being empathetic. Instead, you are making assumptions that your colleague is unhappy and “less than.” Her life may be amazing but you have made all kinds of assumptions. While sympathy might feel good to you, it diminishes who she is and what she can contribute.

More empathetic: Does the site we’re considering for our team meeting have access ramps and elevators? Are our restrooms ADA compliant? Are our tables and desks the right height for her wheelchair to comfortably fit? Empathy is seeing things from her point of view and being proactive. Thinking ahead.

Think ahead and focus on proactive adaptation, not pity, to increase inclusivity and exhibit empathy at work. (TWEET THIS!)

Can we find a new location or change out/adjust our office furniture? Maybe a ropes course is not the best team building idea. Let’s ask her out to lunch and find out how she is able to drive with us – is her car fitted to her needs? Let’s drive with her and ask her or research on our own which cafes are ADA accessible. 

Sympathy Play: “The new hire has autism so let’s be sure to be extra nice to him and not give him too many taxing projects he can’t handle Also, I’m gong to speak v-e-e-e-r-r-y-y-y slowly to him.”

While this new colleague may need some accommodations due to how he best interacts with others, communicates, and learns, assuming he can’t handle his job is insulting and doesn’t help him learn and grow in the role. Stop making assumptions and instead get to know how he best operates. Neurodiverse people often have skills that make them extremely valuable in the workplace as a result of, not in spite of, their neurological or developmental disorders Assuming you need to speak to someone because of your limited knowledge of his reality is also not winning you any charm points. 

More empathetic: Have an honest conversation with your new colleague and get to know him. Share that you know about his neurodiversity and want to support him. Autism is a broad spectrum. Ask him what types of projects he enjoys, and how he best works, learsn, and communicates. Empathy comes when you then adapt appropriately to enable him to be the best version of himself at work.

Sympathy Play: You feel really bad for a new mom returning to work who is feeling flustered, overwhelmed and suffering from a bit of brain fog. But that’s where your support ends.

More empathetic: if you’ve been a new parent, you can say “I understand how you’re feeling right now. You’re not alone so please let me know how I can best support you.”  If you’ve never had kids, you can try to put yourself in her shoes and  say, “I can imagine what you’re going through right now. I’m here to listen if you need to talk. You’re not alone.” Save your judgment and pity and reach out to take action instead!

When you notice the subtle shift from sympathy to empathy, that’s when you can truly create an inclusive culture that welcomes all types of people and helps them bring their best selves to work every day.

Here’s a great video from a Brene Brown talk that amusingly shows the difference between empathy and sympathy.

Photo by Brooke Cagle on Unsplash

Cash flow, creativity, and compassion are not mutually exclusive™

Gain an Empathy Advantage: Global Workshop

Posted on by Maria Ross

Furious customers and failed business launches. Dysfunctional work teams. Workplace inequity. Partnerships abandoned out of fear, projects destroyed by misunderstanding.

Almost every problem that exists in the business world can be traced back to a single, common origin: Lack of empathy. (TWEET THIS!)

When we are unwilling to place ourselves in someone else’s shoes—unwilling to talk, listen, or understand another point of view—we remain paralyzed. Instead of finding solutions, we repeat the same mistakes. This impacts our brand reputation, team productivity, customer experience and organizational performance.

Our digital world does not let us off the hook in showcasing this deeply human connection. In fact, savvy consumers today demand that brands do more than ever to connect, engage and earn their loyalty. Companies and leaders have to be more authentically empathetic in everything we do if we want to keep customers, gain market share and thrive.

Empathy is not just good for society. It’s great for business and a true competitive advantage. But what does that look like in practice?

So glad you asked! Please join me on February 17 for a unique 3 hour global workshop like no other. 

Branding expert, best-selling author (any my own brand mentor) Marty Neumeier and his business partner, Andy Starr created the Level C Masterclass, a certification program for the next generation of brand professionals and are now offering Artisan Workshops:

“The Artisan Series of workshops presents accomplished practitioners guiding you through focused deep-dives into the nuances of brand. They’re brilliant thinkers, bold makers, and demonstrated leaders in core disciplines, and we’re joining forces with them to bring the power of difference-making to you.”

And they invited me to facilitate Empathy Advantage on February 17, 2022!

Learn how you as leaders and marketers can amplify empathy through your work, create a more empathetic brand experience and bring your organizations along with you to create a better world.

WHAT YOU WILL LEARN:

  • How to make the business case for empathetic practices that proves bottom-line benefits and market advantages to skeptical CFOs.
  • How to gather useful customer insights and turn them into personas that better inform who they are, what they want, and what they aspire to be.
  • How to craft richer stories and experiences that speak to emotion and logic to ignite action and loyalty.
  • How to create mission, vision, and values statements that serve not just as internal motivators, but as external magnets that attract exactly the right people to your tribe.

This interactive workshop will be held online via Zoom. Network and learn from other brand leaders, marketing experts, business leaders, innovative designers and other renegades who are changing the rules and putting people and purpose first in order to lead to profit! from across the globe. Sign up right here, right now  and hope to see you on the other side!

Cash flow, creativity, and compassion are not mutually exclusive™

3 Ways to Practice Empathy at Work

Posted on by Maria Ross
3 Ways to Practice Empathy at Work

At a book signing, the panel moderator told me that she recommended my book, The Empathy Edge, to her friend – let’s call her Jennifer. Jennifer was in a really bad work situation with what she deemed an out of touch manager. Her boss treated her badly, didn’t listen to her ideas and generally acted like he was too busy to be there for his team. Jennifer was pretty fed up by this point, and knowing her worth and value in the market, was about to walk away. But she did like her job so she was eager to read my book.

Jennifer read my book and loved every word (the moderator’s words, not mine!). She promptly marched into her boss’ office the next day and before he could say a word, shoved the book in his hands and said, “I’m not happy with how you manage me or the team. It’s so hard to come to work everyday, but I love this job. I’m asking you to read this book and in a week, we can sit down and discuss it. If you don’t, I’m leaving.”

Her boss was stunned. To his credit, he did as he was asked.

They ended up having a great conversation. He had no idea how his actions were being perceived or the emotional toll it was taking on Jennifer. They made a plan to change how he treated the team, how he communicated, and also how the team responded and worked together to address his concerns as well.

Jennifer stayed in her job,

I have no idea if Jennifer is still there, but I love this story so much. It shows how much we can gain by communicating and being vulnerable when we have nothing left to lose. Her boss recognized many actions and intentions in himself from the book and, wanting to be a better leader and build a high-performing team, was willing to have the conversation.

Showing empathy at work is not as complicated as you think. (Tweet This!)

Here are 3 ways you can practice empathy at work:

  • Ask questions and actively listen: Whether you are the manager or just on a team of colleagues, start defaulting to “I’m right and you’re wrong” and instead ask questions first. “Tell me more about your idea. What makes you believe it’s the way to go? How do you see this meeting our goals?” 
  • Find common ground: In high-stakes situations, establish the common goal you both have, however basic, so you get on the same side of the table, rather than acting like two opposing forces. “We can both agree we want this campaign to succeed and drive more leads, right?” Even if it seems obvious, it’s a great way to diffuse tension and remind yourselves you are both on the same team. 
  • Check in with people: Before diving into the business end of the meeting, take a moment for everyone to ground themselves and share what’s going on for them. One CEO does this with his exec team every Monday, and they share how their weekends went, if they had fun, if they’re having a difficult time with their kids, etc. This gives others context to know where people are coming from and what they might need. It avoids assuming someone is being rude or testy because they don’t like your idea when the truth is that they stayed up all night potty training the new puppy.

Discover more actionable ways to be a more empathetic leader and create a more empathetic culture in my book The Empathy Edge: Harnessing the Value of Compassion as an Engine for Success. And learn from other innovative leaders on The Empathy Edge podcast!

Photo Credit: Aleksandra Sapozhnikova on Unsplash

Cash flow, creativity, and compassion are not mutually exclusive™

Empathy for Others Starts with Empathy for Yourself

Posted on by Maria Ross

Empathy seems like such an outward, selfless act. And in many ways, it is. You must focus on another person, make space for them, and get out of how you see the situation through your own eyes and hold space as well for they see it.

This all sounds very noble. Until a very broken person attempts to be empathetic. That’s like trying to help others put on their oxygen masks when you are about to pass out from lack of oxygen yourself.

As the Dalai Lama says:

If you don’t love yourself, you cannot love others. You will not be able to love others. If you have no compassion for yourself then you are not able to develop compassion for others. An open heart is an open mind.

Empathy requires presence. It requires self-confidence to be able to make space and see someone’s point of view – without defensiveness or judgement.  If you are so caught up in your own insecurities, fears, doubts, and negative emotions, you will never be able to make space for another person’s point of view. You will never have the stable foundation needed to truly connect with another person and just be with them.

Empathy for others starts with empathy for yourself. (Tweet This!)

As I like to say, you have to have your own house in order before you can truly be empathetic to another person. Think about the most unempathetic bosses you ever had. Were they bullies? Insecure? Ego-driven? Just angry at life? Yep. You can bet their own “houses” were a hot mess. 

It’s truly hard to see that in the moment when those people are abusing you, but it requires us to have empathy for them as well.

You may very well have great intentions. You want to build a winning culture. You want to be an inspiring boss. You want to reap all the benefits of an empathetic brand and organization so you can succeed.

And I love that you’re here for it.

When people ask me where they can start building a culture of empathy, I always tell them the first step is to look inward. Practice presence and get really honest with yourself:

  • Why do you resist self-compassion?
  • Do you have empathy for your own imperfections?
  • Do you support yourself with self-care? True self-care, not just massages every now and then but care that nourishes your body, mind, heart, and soul?
  • Do you forgive yourself for your faults?
  • Do you need to bolster your self-confidence so you can be less defensive in the face of disagreement or conflict?

To show empathy to others, first start by showing empathy to yourself.

If you love this topic, please tune in and subscribe to The Empathy Edge podcast. We talk about all of this and more!

Photo credit: Cathal Mac an Bheatha on Unsplash

Cash flow, creativity, and compassion are not mutually exclusive™

3 Ways to Use Empathetic Insights to Repair a Bad Customer Experience

Posted on by Maria Ross
Photo of man on laptop

Have you ever gotten an email from customer service or an answer from a sales rep that left you feeling hopelessly misunderstood?

This seems to happen to me more as I get older, and while I completely admit that the common denominator is me, nine times out of ten, it is a result of a brand representative not truly listening to me or “getting” the real issue.

When an eCommerce site screwed up the card on an order I had sent a client, they simply threw a gift card at me, without truly understanding the impact to my business reputation. As a result, their attempt to make amends was seen as performative and like I was a nuisance.

But…when a cable company representative told me how she completely understood my surprise at an increase in my bill and admitted, “I would feel the exact same way if that had happened to me!” in an unscripted and authentic manner, that changed the tenor of our phone call to one of constructive problem solving.

A world of painful and unnecessarily contentious communication awaits you if you don’t intimately understand your customers. If you don’t appreciate what they are thinking and most importantly, feeling. If you can’t see miles down the road to anticipate what would most delight them or make their lives/work easier.

Without empathetic customer insights,  you can never offer a standout experience that gets customers talking and keeps them for life. (Tweet This!)

Here are three customer communication pitfalls that can be avoided with more effective – and empathetic – customer insights:

  1. Make it right! When a customer has a bad experience, it’s not about blame in that moment. It’s about taking responsibility and working to solve the problem. If indeed your company’s products or services are responsible, you may not be able to undo the damage you caused by blowing their big client presentation, not delivering that dream outfit for their big date in time, or putting them on the wrong technology platform. But you can acknowledge the issues, sit side by side with them in empathy, and attempt to make it right, make amends, or improve for next time – whatever is most suitable.. The hard part: The action you take needs to be tailored to the situation they have faced. You can’t go back in time, but what can you provide for them going forward? Top tip: Free gift cards or future discounts can work sometimes, but not all the time!
  2. Don’t confuse responsibility with accountability and humanity: You may legally not want to “admit” anything was your fault- and perhaps it wasn’t. But you can take on accountability for them as your customers. As someone who’s success you care about. As a human being. You can say you’re sorry for them experiencing this, you can empathize with how much it sucks. You can problem solve together on a path forward. But the minute you find yourself wanting to utter, “You didn’t fill out______” as an excuse, check yourself because that is not what’s required at that pivotal moment. When you understand your customer’s world, you can better find connection with what they are feeling and take effective action.
  3. Address the emotion behind the scenes: It doesn’t matter if you sell clothing or consulting or software.  Customers buy because of both logic and emotion. They want to belong, they want the choices they make to say something about them. Yes, even if the sale is B2B! So when communicating with customers, remember the emotions that may be guiding their decisions. This is why ideal client personas are so important. If you know your audience tends to be risk averse, you need to instill confidence, gain trust, and showcase how your offering helps them gradually make change. If you know your customers are edgy and love taking risks, talk to them about how they can transform their organization/life or which other disruptive leaders have blazed a trail with you and found success.

Know your customer. As a human with complex motivations and emotions. And serve them by speaking to their logic and emotions when things go wrong and you need to make them right. Empathy will truly make your business stand out from the crowd.

Tune in to The Empathy Edge podcast to learn from other great leaders and marketers on how empathy helps them create better customer experiences.

Photo Credit: Avi Richards via Unsplash

Cash flow, creativity, and compassion are not mutually exclusive™

How to Redefine Success with Empathy

Posted on by Maria Ross

Modern market trends, as well as the pandemic, show us that leaders and brands acting with genuine empathy are winning right now. When companies have been there for the community, valued employees, even made tough decisions like layoffs or closures with respect – the market has paid attention.

Just look at the media attention lavished on Zoom for offering free K-12 access to schools, Salesforce offering extended paid family care leave, or Starbucks increasing employee mental health benefits.

Beyond that, Research shows that Millenials and Gen Z demand a new kind of work culture. 71% of them want their workplace to feel like a second family. Top talent will no longer accept workplaces that don’t see, hear, and value diverse viewpoints. They’re demaniding respect. Work life balance. Empathy.

Companies and leaders ignore this shift at their own financial peril.

But why? Is it simply because you are too caught up in the day to day fires and stress to strengthen that muscle? 

Sometimes we avoid developing good habits because it’s easier to stick with the bad habits we know. Don’t let this happen with your leadership style. (TWEET THIS!)

There are so many organizational benefits to adopting an empathetic lens. Even if you need that kind of external motivation to ignite internal change, that’s fine. Just get there….before it’s too late.

Don’t wait for your CEO or “others” in your company to issue some decree. Start where you are. Be a new model of success in your own sphere of influence, wherever your sit. If you act with empathy through genuine curiosity, active listening, practicing presence – you’ll be able to get more done and be successful. You’ll reap all the rewards that research and experience shows empathetic leaders enjoy.

And when others see your path to success, you’ll start that ripple effect “Wow, look at how she operates. I can find success that way, too”  

You redefine success for others when you show them a model. They now see it’s possible to be compassionate and competitive. Ambitious and empathetic, Representation matters.  

We can bring influential leaders on board by showing them how empathy positively impacts the bottom line. And their behavior can have an exponential impact in redefining success.

Check out The Empathy Edge podcast to discover more real-world stories of leaders and brands that are redefining success through empathy.  

More reading for you about empathy as a new model for success:

 3 Leadership and Innovation Lessons form 50 Interviews

3 Ways to Show More Empathy to Your Customers

Does Empathy Make You A Better Leader…and Thought Leader?

Photo Credit: @smartworkscoworking via Unsplash

Cash flow, creativity, and compassion are not mutually exclusive™

Are you an Empathy Hijacker?

Posted on by Maria Ross

“We can relate to people without hijacking the conversation” Communication expert Sharon Steed.

Sharon and I connected recently as we were both on an empathy panel together. I’m in love with her work transforming company culture with empathy. She has a great LinkedIn course about communicating with more empathy as well, and that’s where I got this insightful quote.

People often assume that sharing similar experiences with someone is empathy. Not quite. Empathy is more about listening and sitting with someone to see things from their point of view. Unless asked, it’s not about you hijacking the conversation and making it about you. 

You know you’re doing this if you ever tell someone: “I know how you feel, when this happened to me, I…..”

I say this with love, because I think we all (myself included) do this in an effort to show people we understand them. It’s our way of active listening and our intention is to make others not feel so alone. So I get it.

During my long recovery from a ruptured brain aneurysm, and even today, as I struggle with life-long cognitive impairments as a result, well-intentioned people do this all the time:

“You have to write everything down? Oh my gosh, I forget things all the time, too. You’re just getting older like the rest of us!”

“Wow, now you know how I feel, not remembering dates and faces.”

“I have bad short-term memory too – it must just be mommy brain!”

All of these are well-intentioned attempts to connect. But all this does is diminish another person’s pain and experience. For me, when someone says this, it negates everything I went through, all the therapy, education, and struggle, as if it’s no big deal. 

Somewhere along the line, we mistakenly learned that sharing your own similar experience was empathy. It’s not. (Tweet This!)

Empathy is about perspective taking, information gathering, and actively listening. It’s about acknowledging another person’s experience. Yes, where appropriate one can share lessons learned or how they got through something, but the initial sharing is not the time. Just be patient. Give the person room to process and share first before you dive in with wisdom or advice.

Your response is about you, not the other person. You want to feel more comfortable, or “fix” things for the other person. That is not what they need. They need to feel heard.

You can understand someone without hijacking the conversation.

Sharon also shared this gem in her LinkedIn course: “Patience means slowing down your response to judgement. Without patience, there is no empathy” (Tweet This!)

When someone is sharing their experiences, here are 4 things you can say instead:

  1. Tell me more…
  2. Wow, that must have been a lot to go through. How does it make you feel?
  3. What I hear you saying is…..is that right or do you want to share more? I’d love to understand more.
  4. How can I help?/What support do you think you might need?

Got more? Tweet me @redslice or DM me on Instagram @redslicemaria

Photo Credit: Jude Beck via Unsplash